Jim--
I like the second revision very much. The rose feels like it's carrying a lot of weight as a symbol. Whether that symbol stands for Nature, Love, Life, Youth, Beauty--it works. It seems to me a meditation on the inevitability of loss--whether you attempt to nurture the beautiful thing with water or instead preserve it as a dried memory--eventually, it will lose its luster and value to you and retain only its value as symbol. Very well done and enjoyable read.
Here are some notes on particular bits:
1) I found a couple of word choices a bit clunky--funereal and quietus both stuck out as elevated language that may not fit well in the haibun form.
2) I would change the second sentence to "I did not see it fall".
3) I found the sentence "I left it alone, not wanting to interfere" simply haunting. A sort of modesty about the limits of human capacity in the face of all that fades.
4) I would end the first prose section with just "I threw it away" and not "The rose". I would also remove "The rose" in the second prose section. It's not moving us forward and I already know you're referring to the rose.
I like your two haiku which I think do some good work to tie the haibun together. I don't love the word "extinguishes" in the first one but am struggling to think of something better. I guess I don't see how extinguishes itself is accurately reflecting the story you've told. More like it runs out of time and resources. Maybe "exhausts itself"?
Overall--very beautiful and even, in places, haunting. Thanks for joining Glenn and I in the haibun party!
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