[Jim Moonan]

Revision posted.

Thank you James, Jayne, Paula. I’ve made many small changes to the sentence structure and the word selection based on suggestions. I also realized that I had left out a crucial piece of information: the poem was sparked by my brother-in-law's death and the memorial celebration we had for him His name was Joseph Rose. I've now dedicated this to him and changed the opening line to reflect that.

I don’t expect those who have taken the time to read and offer comments/suggestions to necessarily come back and comment. I’m just glad you did come by in the first place to push me along and make this better. In the flush and blush of happiness that came over me as I realized this poem was getting better with some guidance from poets here and additional contemplation, I rushed to write down the following note:

I see in metaphors and by associations. Thanks to the suggestions, this continues to blossom into being the flower that inspired it. Nearly all your suggestions have been taken. I am not one of those poets who has the ability/privilege to post a poem and stand steadfast by it, feeling little need to change anything. I lack that kind of conviction — for good reason, too. I post them here precisely because this is a workshop. I’ve seen what critical thinking can do to make a poem posted here better. Some poets here have made their way farther along the path in their development. They post poems that have already passed through their own rigorous editing process. Maybe a word here and there has been overlooked, but otherwise the poem is strong as is. I can’t express how much I admire that. But for me, most always, for whatever reason, the poems I post are only a shadow of what they can become with constructive criticism. (And praise when it's deserved.) That criticism becomes a catalyst for me.



James, I went back and forth on whether I should change “labyrinth of red lustrous lips” to just “labyrinth of lips” and decided to go with your suggestion in the spirit of ridding the poem of containing too many descriptors. It still retains its alliteration which is what I’m after. Gotta love that alliteration : )

I may have gotten too cute in part 2 with “the rose not the book” followed closely by “the memory not the rose.” But for now, until/unless someone chastises me for not seeing something, I like the sound of/effort by the N to want to be absolutely certain that the reader makes no mistake. It is also meant to be humble.

Jayne, I’ve tried to grow roses with little success to show for my efforts other than scraggly, thorny, anemic-looking bushes that spit a rose or two out every now and then! They flummox me…. There is something startling to me about the color of a deep red rose that goes right to my heart. I could say the same about yellow roses but I’d first have to own one — Ha! I’m a red rose guy. Thanks for reading.

Paula, Thank you for liking what you liked — especially the effect of “I did not want to interfere”, as it was a line that seemed to slip out without me realizing that it was an important part of the mood I was feeling. It haunted me too, to read it. But when I wrote it I was simply saying exactly how I felt: I felt no need to pick up the fallen petal. It was still a part of the rose I had been gazing at for days. It belonged there. There’s some truth to the idiom that sometimes poems “write themselves”. We need only to know when to step aside and let our fingers move like they do when placed on a planchette of a ouija board — Ha! Many times my default mode of thought when writing a poem is to treat it like a meditation and let what comes through me come out. The irony of that is I’m not a meditator! At least not in the conventional sense.

I’ve changed/deleted both words you found clunky. I had inserted them last minute and thought they worked. But your questioning them caused me to rethink what I was trying to say and resulted in a new opening line and also a dedication. I’m much happier with what is there now. Thanks.

I’m glad you like the haikus. Matt’s response to me had me doubting if they were true haikus, even given the wide berth that haikus are given. But I now think they are within the guardrails : ) (If you want some good reference reading on haikus check out the links in Matt’s response)

Thanks again and again.


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