Hi Joe,
I think the revision definitely improves this. You've lost the division between N (and his view of the hills), and the engineers (and theirs), which for me was part of what was getting in the way of what you were aiming for. I think it's much clearer what's going on.
I think the opening of S2 is much more grabbing/engaging and in media res than the (to my mind) more pedestrian start of S1. And would make for a better opening line for the poem.
I also think there's a certain of duplication/repetition in S1 & S2. "Absurdly carnal" kind of covers "You’d press your hand against her spine. Or let it slap upon her arse." for example. (I'm also not sure if the repetition of "shape" in S2 is working for me.)
So I find myself wondering if there's a way to combine the first two stanzas, and drop back down to a two-stanza poem. At a quick stab, maybe something along the lines of:
Absurdly carnal, how a simple line
insinuates and curls around her shape.
How swell and cleave disturb your mind
to fantasy, the urge to mould or make.
Though possibly you need to say that "she" is the hills. But still, I reckon trying to merge S1 & 2 might be worth playing with.
best,
Matt
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