Thread: chamber
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Unread 10-12-2024, 09:16 AM
Joe Crocker Joe Crocker is offline
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Hi Matt

Life goes on, one way or another.

Here are some thoughts, some of them self-contradicting and easily ignorable.

S1. You move from a chamber of the heart to a regal chamber boasting a golden throne. I wondered whether a peeling “dome” might a better fit than “throne” for the image? It brings to mind gold onion domes of eastern orthodox churches. But you use “throne” again later on so maybe not

S2 I like the woodworm softly chewing in the dark (and the half-rhyme with “heart”) then taking a break from his labours to poke his head out for a bit of air (and a quick fag?) (Not sure how entomologically secure that observation is but realism is probably not a key concern).

S3 “Betrays all precious metal claims”. I can see that the woodworm is betraying the maker of the (false) claim. But “betrays” is often used in the sense of unintentionally giving away a secretly true thing. And the secret being given away here is that the throne is NOT metal. So perhaps the word should be something more like “subverts” “corrupts”.

S6. I wonder if a more concrete descriptor than “ersatz” (eg “timber”) would be better. But I guess you want the sense of artificial cheap substitute that “ersatz” conveys.

S5 and S7 are unnaturally convoluted. Eg S7 could more simply read

Something there still grows
Something wrests sustenance from decay.

But I guess the twisted construction is deliberate, perhaps following the winding wormholes.

S8 I always enjoy a rhyme to end on.

Cheers

Joe

Last edited by Joe Crocker; 10-12-2024 at 11:12 AM.
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