Hi, Glen. I’ve been playing hooky from the Sphere as you know (thanks again for inquiring), but I can’t resist a good translation. My only nits are a few mostly rhyme-driven deviations from the original—not obviously rhyme-driven, but for that reason hard to tweak:
- “Ore” got me thinking about the distinction between a product and its raw material (essence), whereas “slag” feeds into the Christian theme of redemption of the rejected and imperfect.
- I’m not sure whether “revelation” (rather than “prophetic”) is misleading or not, but Susan has mentioned it, so I’ll say no more.
- “Everything is already” sounds more world-weary (“nothing new under the sun”) than the New Agey “All is now.” Logically, there’s little or no difference, so no big deal.
- A passageway that makes no surrenders is poetic, but I’d never have guessed it was endless. Interpretation is one thing, but translating clarity into enigma is another. BTW, does “corredor” in Spanish have the greater poetic potential that “passageway” does in English?
“Flee” (rather than “pass”) gives a panicky feel to the last stanza and makes us wonder what fear is involved. “At last” might work as a rhyme for “pass” as long as it doesn’t sound fillery.
In any event, it’s a lovely translation of a lovely poem.
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