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Good revision. The language is much more direct. The regrouping of the lines also smoothes the transitions. The only lines that now feel off to me are S2L3,4:
The holes the woodworm leaves
Make nothing holy,
I feel the word play is too pat. Maybe "whole" for "holy"?
I like the new title, too. It now allows the opening line to shine. Heartwood is dead wood, which adds dimension and perhaps points to what the poem is about.
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Last edited by Jim Moonan; 10-23-2024 at 07:06 AM.
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