I really liked the first couplet as it had some bite that matched the content. At the same time I really don’t like the last couplet for its directness and too soft image of valley.
I don’t know if the person is trans or if this is a masectomy— I think the reader only knows that the breasts are gone. I think there is a prettiness in the flower stuff and the sunny and fair bit that works against the poem. I think more in the vein of whispers falling out direction would give you a stronger poem.
Good luck with it.
Cheers,
Barbara
Quote:
Originally Posted by John Riley
Post-Op
Beneath where her breasts once were she feels snow.
She bites her tongue before the whispers fall out.
There are mornings when the day drops down on her.
A morning when peace is beyond her hand.
If she opened the window the wild daisies, wisteria,
The rhododendrons she planted would be bright.
The rich soil under the roots, dark as a night's peace.
All is sunny and fair through her closed window.
She falls back on the bed, the tangled blanket.
Her hand rests on the valley across her chest.
***I have no idea if this works. I'm posting it so I will stop toying with it. I hope it is good, of course, but I genuinely have no idea.
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