[Matt Q]

Hi Max,

It's just struck me that "whatever he had been" implies that the crash ends whatever he had been before. And, OK, the crash will change how he's seen and even how he sees himself. But unless the crash has killed him -- which the N doesn't seem to be believe -- won't he still also be whatever he was before: a father of two daughters, a tech geek, say -- albeit that will be stained by the crash?

I think "whatever he was before" works (albeit injects an anapaest). I think maybe you just forgot to adjust the tense when you switched to the present?

On the latest revisions:

The original criticism you received of "star pupil, family man" was that it was too generic, but what you've replaced it with now strikes me as perhaps too specific. And in addition, the list seems rather random. Why a crack tech geek, and not a rising star in the rock-climbing world, or an accountant, and so on?

Also, for me, the possibilities are now coming to dominate the stanza. The original four words have become two lines of detail that don't, in themselves, seem to illuminate much. To maintain the sonnet length, the end of the stanza has been compressed, and for me, has suffered for it. I particularly miss the line-break at "regret / before-and-aftering" has gone. The lingering pause it gives to "regret" worked really well, I think, seemed appropriate. And without the moment nagging him forever, the regret line arrives with no real set up and for me loses impact.

In the poem, the N is comparing the fate of the person driving the car to his own. He is also making assumptions about this event, the driver, etc, since he can't see it, and I'd taken that as projection, evidence of his self-preoccupation. So I'd taken "star pupil, family man" to be something of a hint at N's owns life. In the current revision that reading is harder to sustain.

In S1, I can see why you might want to change the boulder part. But the replacement is just another 3-item list. And unless I'm missing something, the list isn't doing much work in the context of the poem beyond illustrating the N doesn't know what the man hit -- which does parallel the N's life, of course. Again it seems the choice of items could be any three items. To me, this is less interesting than the N speculating about boulders, and revealing his knowledge of the local area (he knows there are no boulders nearby that are near enough to a road to be hit).

I wonder if there's a way to make the final line / final list item do some figurative work, to resonate with the theme of the poem somehow? For example, if it were to say, "What obstacle has brought him to a halt?", there'd be a literal and a figurative read.

Finally, the title. I actually quite like the thread title. It drew me in. I wanted to know more: what sound? what happens?

I read the original it as if it were "Hidden. City Night". I'm assuming the comma wasn't there to separate two modifiers of "night", because as adjectives they're not coordinate (but maybe that's the effect intended?). And "hidden" is appropriate enough. The car accident that occurs is hidden (from the N's sight). And the cause of the N's own downfall is hidden (from his knowledge, his mind). And "city night" gives the location, and something of an image, which the revised title loses.

I guess I have a prejudice against abstract titles that don't seem to do more than name or spell out an aspect of the poem's theme, which I think the new title is doing. Maybe all I can really usefully say is that neither title draws me in or pique my curiosity in the same way the thread title does. Though I do prefer the original title over the revised one, because "city night" adds something evocative, and something suggestion of something hidden in/on a city night adds a touch of mystery.

best,

Matt