I like this, but I think the formatting needs an overhaul. I almost didn’t read it because of the wall of text. I also think it could be trimmed in places.
Some high points for me were the “shrikish neighbor,” “the sunlight’s stammering ladder,” “the wind was a seething room,” and this whole passage: “a fleshed / blackberry kind of place, a singing at the end of thorns, / a holly leaf and bloodred bitterness, a snowy tabernacle”.
Like Richard, I’m not crazy about “undercarriage.”
I would consider cutting the passage enumerating the fish, or at least paring it down considerably.
I don’t understand the roof tiles being like fledglings in an egg box; I can’t visualize that and I didn’t find the language there compelling.
This part didn’t work for me: “all of it would soon tear the tree down with it, / though for now the branches had such strength, a climbing / strength, holding up their burden for no reason in particular.” It seems like you are trying to explain to the skeptical reader why the boys were able to climb the tree even though it has all this rotten fruit that is going to pull it down, and that took me out of the poem. I would cut or reword at least part of it. I do like “all of it would soon tear the tree down with it” … maybe you could end the sentence there?
Near the end, how is the cottage opening onto the cottage? I don’t understand that, but it may be my own failing.
I hope some of this is helpful.
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