Hi all -- and many thanks to you, Richard, Hilary, Nick, Carl and Matt, for your close and helpful looks at this. A bit of a mixed response, though with some alignment, notably over 'undercarriage'!
Hi Richard, thanks for these specific line/phrase evaluations. Always helpful to know how readers respond to particulars.
Hilary -- thanks to you too for your weighing in on particular lines and phrases.
Both of you mentioned the form -- we all have preferences for poem structures and it's fair to just say, "I ain't reading all that" (though you did; thanks). It may well be more digestible on a real page.
Hi Nick, thank you for the drive-by. I'm glad the read was mostly smooth for you.
Carl -- I suppose underbelly is where this will indeed end up after it's gathered a little more drawer-dust. The grammar is as intended, though admittedly it is meant to cause a double-take. This echo of Stevens was unintended! But a welcome one -- thanks for pointing it out.
Matt -- Thanks for your reading. I'm glad you enjoyed it -- and thanks for another selection of irksome phrases. More helpful food for thought.
Thank you again, all of you, for the time you've spent with the poem and for your generous responses. Your comments will be invaluable when I start to whittle this tree.
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