[Matt Q]

Hi Richard,

[BTW I wrote this before I saw your responses above, I see you've now addressed some of the points]

My take is the pond is closed off because a child has drowned, and this happened before the N was born, or at least, before the N was old enough to remember, since he's never seen the gate open. That the N recalls the summer of heat and drought suggests this isn't the summer that the child who drowned died, which at first I thought it might have been since the imagery is suggestive of mourning, but instead some other summer that he does remember. For the most part, I think the poem works well and is evocative. I like the use of repetition, and also how it's the very last clause of the poem that unlocks it, makes me go back and reread.

Whereas the "grey leaf-light" gives a nice evocative image, I wonder if there might something more interesting/specific than "old" for the water. "old" doesn't convey much of an image, at least not for me. I guess "stagnant" might work -- and has some double meaning -- or, "algaed". Anyway, what makes the water look (smell) old? Maybe show us that.

I wonder at the long the lines, and the shorter final line. I'd say, like Jim, you might try shorter lines. I also wonder at the enjambments: why enjamb on such weak words as "when" and "was"? Alternatively, you're maybe after a prose poem here and don't actually intend the lines to be broken? In which case, maybe just cut out the line breaks. I know prose poems can look odd a computer screen, since they're in landscape rather than portrait. Personally, I just resize my browser window when reading them on here.

Irrespective of my feelings about semicolons in general, I'd say neither semicolon here is used correctly (at least, as I understand semicolon usage), and for me, this detracts from the poem, adding unnecessary confusion. In the first sentence, you'd need a comma to show the elision of "is" or "was" that's taking place, which isn't a job semicolons can do (their union reps are very insistent on this). Alternatively, you could use a colon. The second semicolon would only work if the second clause was an independent clause, which it isn't, so maybe a comma. A dash or a colon would also work. I'd also add a comma to the title: "In the park, a pond" otherwise it's a bit like, "in the park and ride" -- a place to park ponds.

best,

Matt