There is some very sweet and melodic phrases, but, Jim, it feels too long at the moment, too heap-like. I'm not quite seeing how the music-riff and the hand-riff come together: and at times there seems an almost intentional vagueness which allows the poem to arrow in its chains of metaphor, but not quite for the metaphors to come together. If you only had 12, 10, 14 lines: what would you keep, what would you twine?
Hope this helps.
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