Hi, Glenn. I’ve been run ragged in recent days renewing my residence status, but I feel a commitment to the Translation Forum, so here goes:
Some of the wording seems unnatural to me, but I have no way of knowing whether you’re translating too literally or expressing unusual Latin in equally unusual English. Here are a few things that caught my attention:
What he said and did were so unrestrained and presented him as being so careless that they only increased his popularity -> made him seem? Also, “What” as a plural sounds odd to me, though of course it’s logically plural, so I won’t make a federal case out of it.
rolling back into vices -> sinking?
he was adopted into the circle of those intimates of Nero -> into the narrow circle of intimates? “Those” implies some unspecified subset of Nero’s intimates and misses the crib’s “few.”
referee of elegance -> arbiter?
Petronius approved of it to him -> can be deleted with no loss of meaning
This caused the envy of Tigellinus -> aroused?
one who thought himself more capable in the knowledge of pleasures-> ?
he played upon the cruelty of the emperor, to which the rest of his passions yielded -> It’s tempting to identify “his” with “he.” You might consider something along the lines of the Perseus Project’s “to which all other lusts were secondary.”
taking away his defense -> ?
He no longer bore the hesitation of fear -> ?
he might seek the glory of integrity -> ?
He listened as they discussed … light-hearted songs and simple poems. -> Were they discussing light-hearted songs or listening to them, as the Perseus Project translation has it?
Not even in his will, like many of those facing death, did he fawn upon Nero -> There’s some grammatical ambiguity here. It could mean that he, like many facing death, didn’t fawn on Nero.
He broke his signet ring so that afterwards it might not be used to create danger for others. -> I like the Perseus Project’s “endanger”—or maybe “put others in danger.”
A fascinating history. Thanks, Glenn!
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