Hi Mary,
I strongly preferred the original's more direct "killed herself". For me, the revision makes the act seem more abstract, and -- absent a verb -- more passive. It places the reader at more of a remove from the act, I think, and is less effective (and less striking) for it.
If you think the original wording is confusing, maybe there's a way around that the keeps the active, direct wording? "Virginia killed herself. Charlotte did too" maybe?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mary Meriam
Matt: The idea of a suicide’s “final thoughts” has been haunting me for a long time.
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To be a bit clearer on my original point: there's something about "their final fall, their final thoughts", which either has to do with the repetition of "final" (and "their"), or the assonance of "fall" and "thoughts", or the combination of the two, that I find sonically flat / unappealing. If you wanted to address this -- and you might not, of course -- you wouldn't necessary have to change "final thoughts". Though I guess it's also the case that you could probably still convey the idea of "final thoughts" without that exact wording.
- Matt