[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Tony—

I enjoyed your poem. The terza rima suggests that we are joining Vergil on a trip through hell.
I picked up some other allusions to (mostly) American poets. I wondered if they were meant to represent the damned souls and the tercets represent the descending circles of hell. Do their sins get worse as the poem progresses?

S2L3: “like the ingredients of a witch’s [broth]” Robert Frost, “Design”
S3L3: “like red glare and spangled” Francis Scott Key, “The Star-Spangled Banner”
S4L3: “launching our filaments” Walt Whitman, “A Noiseless, Patient Spider”
S6L1: “city . . . unreal” T. S. Eliot, “The Waste Land”
S6L2: “yellow fog” T. S. Eliot, “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock”

Three little nits:
1. I could be prevailed upon to overlook “like you and I” in S5L1. We know that “like” is a preposition so it should be “like you and me,” but that spoils your rhyme, and we all say “Who’s there? It’s me.”
However, “like I and you” in S4L1 just goes too far. How about “first me, then you” as an alternative? Or did you mean it as an allusion to E. E. Cummings?

2. In S1L1, “rung” is a past participle and properly needs a form of “to have” with it. The simple past, without has/have/had is “rang.” I realize that this would screw up your rhymes, so my advice is to add has/have.

3. Since this is posted in Met, I have to point out that it is impossible to get a line of IP with only 8 syllables, yet in S1L1 and S7L3, you made valiant attempts.
For S1L1, how about something like: “an ivory hoof with tufted hair has rung”
For S7L3, how about “ ‘I see.’ Instead say, ‘I am sight.’ What was”

Side note: I was born and raised in San Francisco. It is sad to see it in such a sorry state. I used to think it was the most beautiful city in the world.

Best wishes in 2025. Glad you’re back!

Glenn