Joe, I wasn’t able to comment on this when it was first posted and am pleased it was bounced up. It is long, a leisurely long and that isn’t a negative in itself. I think a longer poem is harder to write than a shorter one. Not because you have to come up with more to say, but because it puts a heavier burden on each word to justify its presence. So while I do think the last revision could still be trimmed to its advantage, I don’t think the overall pace is wrong. The theme needs time to breathe.
One thing to look at are modifiers. In S1, for example, you don’t need “pretty” or “loaded.” It is already pretty and it’s not necessary to say so and to me “loaded” is a little too indefinite. A “load of blankets” or “stack of blankets,” or something similar would tighten it some. It works better with the amount of blankets made nominative. (Maybe it still isn’t nominative? There is another grammatical term? But hopefully what I’m saying is clear.)
More controversial, I don’t think you need S2. That it is carrying its weight. Is the syrup cooking in the pan? What’s the volcano? The syrup bubbling I assume. Maybe it seems I’m being willfully obtuse but I promise I’m not. If it’s syrup say so and then have gold on the forks, I’m genuinely unsure and it doesn’t seem to me anything of much value would be added if I knew more. Also, it seems attached to the night scene in S1 but I suspect it is more an intro to S2, but again I’m unsure. Overall, S2 adds little, if anything.
In S3 you crack open puddles “to make them creak and splinter.” What if a reflection on the ice cracks and splinters? That helps to alleviate the sense of repetition.
I assume S5 is a parody of Catholic guilt? It’s a good idea that could use a little more.
I’m not sure “empty promise” in the final stanza is supported by the previous evidence. It’s a dour, noticeable thing to say and I don’t sense much build-up for it.
For me, the longer, more leisurely poems by Elizabeth Bishop are her most remarkable work. She obviously did a fine villanelle and sonnets, etc., but they seem to me to be instrumental in her learning to write “At the Fishhouses” and her later Crusoe poem and others. She mastered the longer poem and reading them again could be helpful.
I hope my comments here don’t seem overly negative. I think you’re just a revision away from having a poem more in line with the Dylan Thomas poem. I hope this helps you a little in getting there.
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