Hi Trevor, nice to see you here.
There are some enjoyable descriptions here, like the 'black flank of a restless wave', though occasionally the piece struggles for tonal consistency. Lumpy vs vigour/yearning for pasture, e.g..
A bigger problem is that the poem seems to lack necessity; because the poem seems to quite directly describe wildebeest crossing a river at the mercy of snapping crocs, there's a sense it could just go on either forever or for very little time at all.
What happens if we end up with this, for example? --
Wildebeest & Crocodiles
A stalemate unfolds in the shallows:
a leg clamped in gaudy teeth.
Neither advances – a still life,
each imploring the other’s fatigue.
But the reptiles are in cahoots:
another looms, and with a snap
quick as a reflex, the head is under,
with nostrils burning inches below
a vast redemption of air.
The bank delivers rich relief,
weary hope, to those who clamber,
dogged and drained, back to grass,
only to face new traumas
across the lumpy plain.
I'm not suggesting to just cut and be done with it, as above, but it's worth considering why we're looking at this situation. Is it a metaphor for struggling in life? If so, what is needed to turn that situation/metaphor up to the light for a better look at the subject-behind-the-subject? That kind of thing.
Anyway I hope this is helpful. Thanks for posting.
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