Hi John,
Your revision fixes the metre of L1.
I can see why Nemo would like to retain the "keep", since it shows the repetition, and "hearses" is more literally accurate. So if "hearses" works for you, I'd go with that. Then again, I quite like that the "funerals" drive past, I think it's a more interesting and possibly more symbolic (and somewhat surreal) image to if one imagines the whole funeral driving past. I love "ghost police" and think having funerals driving (past) fits with this well. If that's the image you want, then I guess you might go with "More funerals drive past", I guess, to strengthen the sense that this is a repeated event?
S2L2 I agree that Hilary that "who" is not clearly stressed, so the line is easily heard as "who is OVer THIRty". I guess you could repeat the previous line's "no one" and have something like: "No one dies in my life, no one over thirty".
Matt
Last edited by Matt Q; 01-17-2025 at 07:17 AM.
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