Hi Richard,
If you'd asked me a minute ago if pumpkin-carving with your kid could be chilling and sublime, I'd have said no, but here we are. I liked the formal, old feel of this.
Some minor nits I'll pick:
- Most departures from true rhyme added to the authenticity. "Wind/behind" reminds me of S1 in Donne's "Go and catch a falling star." But "waned/remains" in S10 tripped me up.
- I loved some turns of phrase like "sickle moon... slicing" and "riven grin," but a couple ones sounded awesome to my ear but didn't add meaning for me, like "Ceaseless Trespass" and "scathe the Axe."
- I believe "amerce" is a verb, but at least in my reading, it gets used in S7 as a noun. I hope I'm wrong, because I like cool, weird words.
- Some inversions fit with the old vibe like "sharpened is a knife," but I'm not sure about "will Jack be waiting" in S11. Maybe "there Jack will wait, and with a smile / he'll burn a world to ash."
All in all, congrats on creating a creepy ballad with an authentic feel.
Best,
Taryn
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