Hello Jayne,
You have addressed some of my concerns while keeping within your self-chosen stylistic constraints; and, relative to my previous comments, I consider the poem improved.
[1] The Balance of Tensions Between the Octet and Sestet
You have heightened the tension in the first octet by altering the first line to create a stronger sense of misdirection. If a comic sets up the punchline better, then the punchline itself does not need to be altered, and if a sonneteer sets up the octet better, then the set up can be more effective as is.
[2] The Sestet Needs More Seasoning
What I was attempting to imply is that even though the choice of honestly speaking from the heart can create a plainly speaking somewhat monosyllabic iambic pentameter, and it is a fair choic to carry that voice between the octet and sestet, still I felt the sestet needed to be seasoned. Originally, the examples I gave were all in the ball park of heightening the "poeticness" of the sestet; but Susan's last comment also showed me that the seasoning could simply be "sharper phrasing", and the change you made to the final couplet strenghten the sestet while staying within your self-chosen stylistic constraings.
I am reminded about a useful comment about commenting on art: sometimes a person raises an issue, even if their solution is not what one wants to do, but it might help one explore the issue oneself.
Yeah!
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