Yves, Max, Susan and Bob,
You've all given me a lot of great suggestions. I tried reading this as if I was seeing it for the first time - and all the flaws sprang right out at me!
I'm very grateful to you for taking the time to give me your thoughts, so forgive me for not addressing them all individually.
I think, as you suggested, Bob, a complete re-write would be a good idea. I'll give it a go. (I wrote it after coming out of what I call a 'trough', a very low point which happens occasionally. I fight it, but I sometimes lose; that's when my husband's great sense of humour gradually wins me round!)
I'll try a different tack and see what happens... thanks again.
Jayne
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