Hey John,
I like the idea of a poem about an electric/neon ice cream cone. I do feel it is to be clear that it holds some particular significance or symbolism for you/the speaker of the poem, and I don't get that feeling here. I'd also like to get a better sense of the appearance of the cone, the colours. I assume it's on top of a van, as it's described as chasing cars down the street. There could also be room for describing the van itself.
Apart from that, I thought "Nothing is sweet in the ice cream light" would make for a more interesting beginning. It's a great line, and the only line that gave me a sense of symbolism, another level of understanding.
The repetition of forced/forces and walkers/walking felt lazy to me, though I guess you specifically wanted the repetition
I like "flashing omniscience" even without fully knowing what you have in mind. "the forced circle
that forces concentration" felt a bit too obscure to me. I pictured a traffic roundabout. Even if that's right, as a reader, I'd like to feel a bit more sure that it's a roundabout, so I wonder if you could make it a bit clearer.
How about "Two walkers weave through / the timed revolutions of light"? It feels a bit tighter to me. The last line is great (I pictured traffic lights).
Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed this.
Trevor
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