Hello, Rick,
This is an intriguing and layered villanelle with rich imagery and a haunting tone. I admire how you capture the mood of Ryder’s
The Racetrack (Death on a Pale Horse)—the poem echoes that same eerie, unsettling inevitability.
I’ve suggested a few minor tweaks for clarity and flow while keeping the integrity of your vision intact.
Odds
After Albert Pinkham Ryder’s The Racetrack (Death on a Pale Horse)
The odds are in your favor, but yet the same. →
"yet" introduces a smoother, more natural flow while preserving the inevitability of the refrain. It subtly enhances the sense of contradiction while also avoiding immediate repetition with the next line's "but."
The house is under camp smoke. But it’s there.
Of course the serpent startles at the game.
Oh O clockwise rider, you are not to blame. → Technically, for direct address to a person or entity, it should be "O," not "Oh"; besides, 'Oh' needs to be followed by a comma.
Smart money isn’t always on the square.
The odds are in your favor, but the same--
A tablespoon of absinthe set aflame,
a cloud line hammered tight enough to tear.
Of course the serpent startles at the game.
The morning after, isn’t our domain not for us to tame, →
This is the only instance of off-rhyme in the piece, so it stands out more than intended. Here’s one possible tweak for smoother sound alignment.
No upshot in the echo of despair.
The odds are in your favor, but the same,
Candescent jockey, psychopomp by name,
the remit of that rides through your landscape with laissez-faire. →
I wasn't getting the full sense of this phrase, so this is one possible fix that enhances clarity while maintaining the rhythm and tone.
Of course the serpent startles at the game.
The hour you present the winning claim
is tolled in rumbling numbers, fog and prayer.
The odds are in your favor, but the same.
Of course the serpent startles at the game.
This is a striking piece that effectively channels the dark, fatalistic energy of Ryder’s painting. Fine work!
Cheers,
...Alex