Hello, Susan,
This is a powerful and evocative poem with a visceral, tactile quality that makes the transformation feel raw and immediate. The extended metaphor of shedding skin works beautifully to convey the pain and inevitability of major life changes.
I’ve suggested a few minor tweaks for smoother rhythm, stronger phrasing, and a bit more freshness, while keeping your intent fully intact—take what fits, discard the rest!
The Year of the Snake
I have peeled off my old skin again. →
Smoother meter, plus "old" adds more emotional weight and texture, reinforcing the idea of a past self being shed.
Shedding Sloughing the seamless fitting life I'd made →
"Sloughing" feels fresher and ties more uniquely to the snake imagery, avoiding the predictability of "shedding." "Fitting" also strengthens the metaphor by directly relating to the skin concept, rather than "seamless," which suggests perfection rather than a snug, personal attachment.
feels blistering, like being left blisters like with someone flayed, →
A more active and visceral rewording that removes the "telling" nature of "feels blistering" and heightens the sensory impact.
and I'm more rattled than I've been
in decades. Aching, raw, till bereft, →
This slight adjustment improves the flow while maintaining the emotional intensity of the line.
I search for any salve to numb
the oozing wound that I've become,
still reaching back toward for what I left. → "For" improves the meter and reads more naturally while keeping the intended meaning intact.
How much I wish I could refuse
the price of living: to outgrow
the skintight sheath of all I know
and all I care about,; to lose → A semicolon clarifies the syntax, making the connection between ideas smoother.
my job, my and house, my town, my and friends, → This revision enhances rhythm and reduces unnecessary repetition while maintaining the list structure.
as one life starts and one life ends.
This is a moving and deeply relatable piece that beautifully captures the pain of transition, blending physical and emotional transformation seamlessly. The suggested refinements aim to enhance clarity, rhythm, and sensory engagement, while keeping your poem's core strength intact.
Good luck with this, Susan!
Cheers,
...Alex