Hello Richard,
This piece has a lively, offbeat energy that makes it a fun read! There's some sharp, witty phrasing here, and I think with some judicious trimming and tweaks, it could become even punchier. The humor works well, but tightening the focus could help maximize its impact.
Here are some suggestions... to take, leave, or modify as you see fit!
On the Aerodynamics of Bees
He got me. Did you see that? → This opening doesn't do much for me and feels throwaway.
Little fat, winged, fucker shot me. → This feels like it might work better as an ending revelation.
I come in for my daily fix
and pow! covered in coffee. Man,
what a waste, a venti skinny
cinnamon dolce latte. Fuck,
hot. Damn, that better not be blood.
And who thought it was funny
to give a bow and arrow to a baby?
That little fat, winged, fucker shot me. → This is a good spot to end the poem with a strong punchline.
Wait. How come he can fly? → From here to the end, I don’t find much depth being added to the poem.
Is gold a drug?
Was my muffin spiked?
Say, anyone ever tell you
you have the most beautiful–
This has the potential to be a tightly honed, sharp-witted piece that lands its humor with even more impact. The suggested refinements aim to streamline the joke’s buildup while keeping its irreverence intact.
Good luck with this, Richard!
Cheers,
...Alex