Thanks, everyone, for the suggestion. I have made a couple of small tweaks and am considering others.
Julie, I don't want a smooth meter to describe what was not a smooth process. The slight bunching of the double iamb is part of the pain. I am probably the only one who can hear it, but behind the first line I hear the first line of Plath's "Lady Lazarus": "I have done it again."
Alex, thanks for your suggestions. I have taken a couple of them, but I do not want to smooth the meter too much. "Sloughing" to me suggests something that is peeling off of its own accord, while I want to suggest something that is stripped off painfully. I want the list at the end to sound very possessive, so removing the "my" that accompanies each thing reduces that effect.
Hilary, I know "rattled" doesn't sound overwhelming. I chose it partly because it suggested something shaking, like a person shivering without her skin.
Susan
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