Richard, you're revitalizing the fiction board. I am no high and mighty judge granting privilege when I say this is admirable work. I do think it would benefit from being longer. It jams a great deal of information, details, and narrative into a short space. You could take this story, develop almost every paragraph, and have a longer, clearer narrative. IMO, you have the nucleus of a better story here. It's impressive, don't get me wrong, I simply think that almost every paragraph has a reference to place or the narrative that can be opened up with your imagination.
Gunpowder references inevitably lead to thinking of the Gunpowder Plot. Is that an intended reference? Either way, this is an example of something that could be cleared up or turned into a more thorough reference with development.
I hope it's clear that when I say expand I'm not knocking what you've done. It's impressive. The bottom line is I'd like more.
Congrats
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