Hi Alex,
much improved with the revision.
Do you need a period at the end of L1?
Was there a specific plant you had in mind in L2? (Leaves seems a tad generic)
Perhaps 'quickening' (L3) for its movement?
L4, 'as still as a prayer'?
L12, bit lost on 'pollens whip' (being essentially powder) and then how they (L15) 'sing'.
L18, not convinced by 'fusion' (perhaps 'frisson'?)
L20, 'din' doesn't seem the most felicitous choice.
I wonder if you need the final couplet, 'ascend' seems a stronger finish, to me.
RG.
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