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Beautiful in its original, transcendent in its revision.
I haven't read all the comments closely, though I saw that the consensus was it was too cramped with modifiers. Yet I still felt the beauty oozing from each couplet. I am a modifier : )
Some serendipity is at play here on Erato: Julie says in her Circumlocution #1/ Rondeau Redoublé poem posted here:
Aim for concision.
Use descriptors with discretion.
Adjectives deserve derision
these days; readers crave compression.
Less is more. Shun
pleonastic repetition.
Give your pruning shears a freshen.
Let your sins be of omission.
It is a pleasure to read a poem written with such a light touch. I’ve recently been watching how-to videos of scripted handwriting done in quill and ink. I am in thrall to the sound of the quill scraping against the paper, with the gracefulness of the lines, and with the confidence of the hand as it moves effortlessly. This poem has that quality to it.
Of all forms, couplets are most beautiful to my eye and ear. I hear a timeless poetic quality to your phrasing and imagery. I am not very well read, so I can’t comment on the Georgian poetic style/quality that others have picked up on. To me, it is simply fluently written poetry.
I like many different poetic voices: profane, enigmatic, even sentimental. But the poetic voice that I connect with the most is the romantic poetic voice. Like this poem has. It sings.
I wonder if Symphony of Wings and Petals best describes the music in the poem. It feels more specifically like a rhapsody. I would love to hear it read aloud. Of course, you could simply call it Valse of Wings and Petals.
The fact that Michael has given the revision a thumbs up is proof that the descriptives have been tamed to let the real beauty shine through.
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