Hi Glenn,
I like this. It's tightly constructed and well-paced, and best of all sounds authentic. If you've done this type of work, you've captured it well. If you haven't you have used your imagination impressively. I would think it worthy of reading in a magazine as is. On another note, why do you center your titles here. I don't even see them at first glance.
All the best,
Jim R.
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