Hi Glenn,
just some (very) minor nits.
S1 - do priests 'set things in motion'? (I liked the journey from priest (humble) to Solomon (less so) to God (not at all.)
I think you need to shift the speech marks, so
She was “BBD”—billed before delivery.
becomes
She was BDD -- "billed before delivery."
(It would certainly make S3/L3 easier to understand.
S4 - anything better than 'sniffling' (feels redundant with 'fighting tears')
S6 - I don't think 'In my small way' does enough given 'know' (which has an arrogance that feels a bit at odds with the general tone of the narrator. It's such a grand claim.)
RG
|