Originally Posted by Richard G
Hi Jim,
like the new title and much of the revision, but some individual words (begged and bullied primarily) could be stronger.
I have some ideas to change these, but since I like them more than you do, I'll mull a bit.
and hid ambition 'neath a sheepish skin ?
(wiles, after wolf, seems too predictable somehow.)
well, yeah, the wolf in sheep's clothing whole thing is a standard trope, but I gotta get it across somehow. the same response applies to the next of your crits too.
I begged like herbivores in petting zoos
Just can't see a 'wolf' begging (it's an ego thing)
then cooked the books and, spiteful, settled scores.
Same thing, it doesn't seem like something a wolf would say/admit to (but they'd doubtless do. Perhaps they'd see it as 'bent the rules'?)
I waived the great ungrateful weight of guilt
Wondered about 'swerved the great ...' ?
I think in my first version my N was bearing the weight. Here I mean for guilt itself to bear the weight until the N, the wolf, waives it. No need to bring up the T word, again, I hear you.
I never thought I wore a greed much odd
but, just in case, I ask forgiveness, God.
I like it, but would a wolf be asking?
No, a wolf would just eat the liver first, paw some dirt over the carcass, and take a nap.
but, just in case, what price forgiveness, God? ?
Thanks, that is a better last line. Yes, let's bring the T out in the open as to the penultimate line. I say "wore a greed" as another play on wearing a disguise. I tried three other versions of that line:
I never thought I wore a greed thought odd.
I never thought I wore a greed that odd.
I never thought I wore a greed deemed odd.
before I uncertainly settled on:
I never thought I wore a greed much odd.
Dare one mention the T word?
Let me be sure, we are talking "T for terrific?" Indeed, tortuously terrific at that. ~ Jim
RG
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