[Trevor Conway]

Hi James,

Thanks very much for your take on this. It's very helpful to hear it. I'll keep all that in mind.

Cheers,

Trevor

Originally Posted by James Brancheau

I like the conceit here, Trevor, and the poem mostly works for me. I think that you could get rid of “of skin,” and I might tinker with the close a little bit. Something like:

“that when you stare into the face of your love,
all that is beautiful
has recently deceased.”

I prefer “love” because I think it opens the poem up to other, slightly different interpretations. “wife” may somehow sound more personal, but I like the trade off. I’m not too fond of “And remember” for many reasons and they are all personal preferences. One of them is that I don’t like being directed to remember. I’ll certainly remember it if it’s a good poem… Another reason is that, imo, it comes off as a little amateurish. Something you might find on a refrigerator magnet. Probably I'm forgetting some famous poems that do this... Again, it's a personal preference.

I love that each of the three stanzas leading up to the close bring up the idea of dying quietly. That’s right on. Makes that close more effective and poignant. The poem’s about there, in my view, and enjoyed.