Hi Alex,
I like how the rhyme and prosody in this have helped you find interesting, arresting images such as pores in a spree and sweat droplets in a mob. I like the lamplit/sweat-slick/droplet play and the way the Ls sing throughout. I do have a question about one preposition. Oscar Wilde made a famous comment about spending a morning putting a comma in, and an afternoon taking it out. I sometimes do something similar with prepositions, going back and forth in a piece between two or more of them. In this case I am wondering about "in" in the penultimate line and am wondering if it should be "with:"
.....................................
Gripped in a willful throb,
the blood in [with] ferrous praise
sparks heart and flesh ablaze.
It seems in the original the blood has received praise and is therefore motivated to spark the heart and flesh. The change to "with" would to me imply the blood is giving praise that actively sparks the heart and flesh. I don't know if I am right in my assumption or which way you want this to read. Prepositions can give me fits.
All the best,
Jim
|