Thank you all for reads and for your useful insights! For a short/minimal poem like this where every word must carry its weight and more, and thus needs to be carefully chosen, I tend be slow at deciding to change and changing anything—just to be sure there’s no unforeseen dilution of the, ahem, concentrated verse at hand, or some other such adverse effects. Still, with all considered, I now have a new version up, which I hope it works better!
- Jim, you’re right that checking and rechecking prepositions, similar to the checks on comma, is a good practice. And I’m sold on the ‘with’ … thanks!
- Julie! No one can accuse poets of not having unbridled imagination, as your initial reading can testify to! I actually don’t mind that take! I see it giving the poem such an enviable depth from the tame exercise reading of Glenn to your back-alley robotic sex scene! But on a serious note, I’m glad you’ve made me aware of this potential reading so I can look for ways to revise for better precision.
- Max, thanks for weighing in. I’m glad you like how it’s turning out. You’re right about the density of expression, which also means more caution in editing to retain the tension and meaning(s)!
I hope there’s even more to like with the revised version!
Cheers,
…Alex