Hi Simon, Trevor, Alex, Glen, Phil.
Simon, Trevor.
Not averse to a bit of pruning. Thanks for the suggestions.
Alex.
“In the holidays” feels a bit detached
I want detached.
—perhaps something like “That summer, she watched the cat” would be smoother and more engaging.
I finish with "This summer" so starting with "That summer" wouldn't, I think, work.
“Shrinking” might not be the most precise verb for the cat’s state.
Well, I did watch quite a few time lapse videos of animal decomposition, and 'shrinking' (due to fluid loss/tissue dehydration) seemed the best fit.
“Golden eyes / pecked to sockets” is strong, but breaking the line here lessens the impact. Try keeping the key image intact makes for something more viceral:
“golden eyes pecked to sockets, closed with soil.”
Good point, well made. Thanks. Will look at alternatives for L5 while keeping your suggested L6.
However, “burst / black, and winged” could be restructured for greater impact.
Will ponder, I'm not sure if it's clear that the 'industry' leads to the maggots metamorphosis.
“In September, back at school, she wrote”—cleaner and more natural.
I'm missing the 'gone' (that precedes 'back') might be a Brit thing, but will mull. Not sure about opening and closing with 'in' though.
Glen.
I like, too, that I’m only about 97% certain that she killed the cat
I'm not even that sure myself.
Her cold, clinical analysis (confession?)
Just a "What I did on my Summer Vacation" essay.
Phil
I wondered if you need the word 'maggots', could they be deduced from the outcome?
Don't know. But now you've got me worried that flies won't be deduced.
And not forgetting Jim, my fantastic, tireless publicist.
Thanks all.
RG
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