[Matt Q]

Mark, Nick, Nemo, Hilary, Jim, Julie, Joe, Simon, Susan, Glenn, Alex, Rick,

Thanks everyone,

I’m glad this is working well for you all.

Mark, Joe, Simon, Glenn

I had wondered if "she wears her easy questions as a mask" line would convey what I wanted here, and I wonder if it isn't coming across to everyone.

My intentions were as Susan read them. They're "her easy questions" -- easy for her to fall back on, rather than easy for the N: it's easier for her to ask questions and listen. And also, I want convey the apparent ease which which they come. Both of these things mask the extent of her confusion. Talking to her, you wouldn’t know she was struggling or how confused she was (except when things like confusion about day/time occur). But there may well be a better way to convey what I'm after.

I've yet to decide if I want to change "easy", but I appreciate the suggestions. Simon, I think "familiar" could work, and it would be true, but I don't know if does enough to convey the ease/easiness. Mark, I hadn't heard anything critical or dismissive in "easy", so it's useful to know you did. What I'm after is that not so much that they're simple, as in uncomplicated, but more that it's an easy (as in unchallenging, not difficult) way for her to engage in conversation -- and the apparent ease with which she asks them. Likely I'm massively overthinking this. And what I've written probably doesn't convey all I want it to. I may well come back in a week or six and end up going with "simple" or "familiar".

Nemo

I'm glad the delayed mention of the mother worked for you. In my first draft I'd named her sooner.

Nick

There might be something better than "fat", but I can't think what. I want to convey that the flakes were large, substantial. I guess I could use "thick", but then it sounds more like I'm talking about the fallen snow, rather than the falling flakes. Nemo and Joe, thanks for letting me know that "fat" works for you.

Hilary

Thank you. That's good to hear.

Jim

I’d intended him to be stood at the window. I hadn't considered him outside. But outside works too, I think. It's childlike, as you say.

Julie,

That's an interesting reading! To be honest, I just assumed that "Sunday Mass" was a proper noun, and that "mass" wasn't, and that's the only reason I didn't capitalise it. Googling, I see that the convention is to always capitalise it. So I have done now. (Though it still seems wrong to me, atheist that I am!).

Susan

Thanks for letting me know how "easy" came across for you. I'm glad it worked as intended.

Glenn,

Yes, Saturday evening Mass is technically (canonically) the first Mass of Sunday, in that it fulfils the obligation to go to Church on Sunday. And I did wonder about this, whether it might confuse the reader. But I hope the poem makes it clear that a) it's Saturday, and b) she thinks it's Sunday. Or did it not for you?

I could I guess change the day. I guess I could have "it's Friday, though, I say" ... But it makes her sound more confused. "Saturday" is more true-to-life. She's one day out. She hasn't lost all sense of where she is in the week. She knows Sunday morning Mass is approaching soon, and that's why she's anxious.

I had considered "morning Mass" as an alternative, but then it could be any day of the week. But then again maybe her being told it’s Saturday and night time makes it clear enough that it’s Sunday morning mass she’s wanting to go to and better highlights the night/day confusion?

Alex

Originally Posted by Alex Pepple

especially since snow is so commonplace.

Ah, maybe where you live! It rarely snows here. That was the only real snow we had this winter, and it had stopped falling by the morning and was gone in a day or so. Some years we don't get any that settles. So, it's quite exciting when it happens, and I really did watch it through the window with a sense of wonder.

Interesting idea to swap the wonder and the childhood reference. I have had a play with it. I don't know that I prefer having "childhood" to foreshadow what's coming. Also, "the settling kind" feels to me like it needs to come at the end, since at the beginning nothing yet has happened to unsettle him -- and I'm hoping to imply the phone call does -- and "the settling kind" doesn't seem to work in combination with "a thing of wonder" if I move the latter to the end (since it's the falling snow and not the settling that is a thing of wonder). But like I say, an interesting idea. I'll keep playing with it.

Rick

Many thanks. To be honest, I hadn't noticed the double read on the first line when I wrote it.


Thanks again everyone.

Matt