[Trevor Conway]

Hi James,

Thanks for your feedback on this. I appreciate the zoning in on details /words choices as well as the overall consideration of the structure and the development of the theme. I think I'm inclined to keep with the more straightforward approach, as stretching for a more figurative level might feel too strained, but I'll certainly give that some thought.

Thanks again, James.

All the best,

Trev

Originally Posted by James Midgley

Hi Trevor,

I saw this posted on PFFA. I think your phrase-making becomes more striking with each poem you post. Still, there are some here that irk this reader, as follows --

'toothing its way' could be 'teething'.
'readily furnished' is a little dry.
'fraying secret' is a little coy.
'ominous' is too overt.
'slow, dim pulse' is overmodified.

I think, though, the poem starts more properly for me in the final strophe. Rather than 'receive' I'd like something more visceral, physical, for the sugary exchange. As with previous poems, I wonder whether there could be a slight push towards a concept for which the poem is acting as figuration -- e.g., what it's like to be nourished by others, family, that kind of conceptual freight and framework. But it's your poem after all, and observation of the thing as such is perfectly reasonable.

So, I think I'd like a combination of some of S1 with the final strophe here -- that's where the poem most comes to life for me, although I do also like the pulse / from distant trees remembered.

Thanks for posting.