Hello, Jayne,
This is delightful and very relatable! You've successfully captured the humorous frustration of dealing with the dreaded passport photo—enjoyable and relatable.
Your revision is indeed very effective and improves upon the original significantly. Especially, I do share the reservations expressed by some others about meter and rhyme in the original. But you’ve also improved on those aspects with the revision.
Good luck with this, Jayne!
Cheers,
...Alex
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