Hi Glenn,
Like David, I find this quite metrical (and I took pity and machete as intended rhymes.) I think it loses that metrical quality in lines 7, 8 and 10, so maybe they could be tightened to fit better.
As regards the theme, I took it that the speaker was one of a pair of Siamese twins (or else a former lover, with the idea of Siamese twins being a metaphor for the relationship). I'm not sure if Siamese twins is what you had in mind, but if it is, I say you could delve deeper into it, explore how society reacted to the twins before they were separated.
Best of luck with it.
Trev
Separation
Your words were sharp and quick,
not freighted with blame or pity. [How about "unfreighted"?]
You told your truth as if flicking a scalpel,
not wielding a machete. [This line feels a bit weak]
And now, all these days later,
after the blood and bandages,
I wonder why I felt so little pain.
Thanks for being the one to do it. [This line also feels weak to me]
I’ll heal. Maybe I’ll even get a tattoo
on the scar where we used to be connected.
Last edited by Trevor Conway; 03-15-2025 at 02:44 PM.
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