Hi Richard,
I've moved this thread, as you requested.
What fun your poem is!
I once stepped into a deep puddle, after a heavy summer shower, and the brown dye from my suede sandals oozed onto my feet, which were now saturated (and cold), so I stepped into a shoe shop to buy some new footwear. Taking off my sandals in front of a horrified salesgirl, I realised that I looked like a vagrant with extremely filthy feet!
Thanks for reminding me of that. Haha. For me, it was a "splosh" (great word, the first of many you've used) that
wasn't intentional.
I much prefer your original "whilst running for the bus" to the inversion of "as for a bus you rushed", although "bus" and "rushed" go together well; how about a compromise of:
whilst rushing for the bus?
I agree with Glenn (especially as it's no longer classed as Non-metrical) that some closer rhymes in some stanzas would improve the poem.
It has great opening and closing stanzas - oh, and the ones in between are charming too, as others have said.
Jayne