Hi Jim,
but can't quite get there yet. Perhaps my adult defenses are up.
Or perhaps it doesn't quite do its job. The intent was for a 'seize the day' poem.
It's neither here nor there, but I wondered about the word "Can" to open the poem vs. the word "Do". I don't know why I even bring it up, but I do : )
I've been going back and forth on exactly this. I'm leaning towards 'can' as it suggests, to me anyway, that it will have been a considerable time since any sploshing occurred and the effort at recollection greater (than might be envisaged by 'do'.)
It reaches back to that sweet spot in time when a puddle was not an obstacle.
That was the hope, at least.
I would rather head off in the opposite direction and explore the puddles you mention.
I'll see you there.
Hi Jayne.
I've moved this thread, as you requested.
Thank you.
What fun your poem is!
Well ...
Taking off my sandals in front of a horrified salesgirl, I realised that I looked like a vagrant with extremely filthy feet!
And you're sure it was nothing to do with suede sandals?
For me, it was a "splosh" (great word, the first of many you've used) that wasn't intentional.
I believe it was an 'ankling' (technically.)
I much prefer your original "whilst running for the bus" to the inversion of "as for a bus you rushed", although "bus" and "rushed" go together well; how about a compromise of: whilst rushing for the bus?
Sounds good but ...
I agree with Glenn (especially as it's no longer classed as Non-metrical) that some closer rhymes in some stanzas would improve the poem.
... wouldn't this (splosh/bus) be one of those 'not close enough' rhymes?
That said, suggestions welcome for any/all.
It has great opening and closing stanzas - oh, and the ones in between are charming too, as others have said.
So what you're saying is that the title needs work? Okay, I hear you.
RG.
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