[Mark McDonnell]

Hi Alex,

I quite like the tautness of this and the way the rhymes are hidden by heavy enjambment. I can't get a grasp of a consistent metre, really. Even though it looks like a 4,3,4,3,4 rhythm, the stresses don't always fall into place that way, so it reads in places more like a syllabic to me. But I don't mind that, it's just an observation. I quite like it.

Some of the aforementioned rhymes seem a little forced: does graffiti, even fresh, really glare? Could you have him step "into the neon glare" in L2, then do something else with L3? I'm guessing his "bland fanfare" is his repeated request for change but, again, it seems an odd, rhyme-forced choice of words. And does anyone use the word "beau" anymore? (I suppose the Noir of the title indicates a possibly dated, or stylised, reality for the events)

I wonder if "some high-heeled girl—thick perfume,/black fishnet stockings, long dark hair—/struts by" is leaning a bit too heavily on stereotypes. I realise I'm risking double standards here because I was picked up on similar in my recent noir-themed poem. But here there seems no irony or authorial commentary, and it feels...I don't know, a little much.

I do like the "smoke devouring air like food", which is a surprising rhyme that works in its unexpectedness.

Mark