Thank you all for looking in—and for continuing to look in! I hope the revised version now posted brings some improvement.
Jan, I'm pleased that you were able to follow this one through. I’m delighted that the nonce form (or as you wonderfully dubbed it, the “jazz ballad”) resonated enough for you to want to “steal”. I’m flattered… along the lines of imitation is the sincerest form of flattery! And by the way, I’ve added a few nods to the “Architect” thread in response to your request here.
Max, I appreciate your thoughtful read. Glad to hear you found it engaging—and your critique notes were useful toward the revision.
Mark, thanks for the detailed and candid commentary. There are now tweaks to the areas you highlighted—rhymes, diction, and stylization. It should, hopefully, be tighter and clearer while still leaning into the slightly stylized noir tone.
Richard, many thanks for your precise line critiques. I’ve taken those suggestions into account. Hopefully, the revision improves on diction, clarity, and the visual logic of the final stanza.
All in all, your collective input has been invaluable, and I hope the revised version reads stronger and more cohesively now. I look forward to your thoughts and impressions!
Cheers,
…Alex
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