Hello, Glenn,
This is emotionally charged and a captivating read. Your storytelling voice is vivid and compelling, and the narrative draws the reader in with its sincerity and intensity. You’ve got something powerful here.
That said, I think two aspects could benefit from further refinement: the meter and the freshness of language.
On the language: abstractions like vulnerability, fragility, and similar terms could be more effective if grounded in concrete, fresh imagery. Likewise, lines such as “They controlled their women with fist and threat” could carry more weight if shown rather than told—something that gives us the sensory, immediate experience rather than just a conceptual summary.
On the meter: it’s currently quite uneven. While the poem leans toward iambic pentameter, the stress patterns vary significantly, which makes it difficult to find a consistent rhythmic footing. You might consider whether the poem could be restructured into iambic tetrameter, which might allow for tighter control and a more natural narrative cadence. Regardless of the metrical choice, a smoother rhythm would enhance the overall musicality and impact.
For example, here’s a metrically adjusted version of your opening lines in iambic pentameter to illustrate what I mean:
Within the shallow cleft of her smooth chin,
and round the corners of her quiet eyes,
the proof that she belonged to my sad kin
was easy to see while she ate her fries,
one after one, and licking off the salt,
one hand curled tight around her tattered pack…
. . . . . . . .
You've got a strong foundation here—a story that deserves to be told. With some tightening and metrical consistency, I think it could shine even more brightly.
Good luck as you refine this, Glenn—there’s something powerful waiting to emerge.
Cheers,
…Alex