Hi, Michael—
Thanks for your honest and considered comments. Although modern taste prefers the emotional intensity level tuned to low, I did hope that this poem would be more than just a pastiche. It is a simple story, and told without much decorative elaboration. It shows that to love another person is to accept the possibility of sacrifice and grief. It exemplifies the tendency of a history of abuse to repeat itself through generations. Beyond that, the constraints of form make complex character, theme, and plot development difficult.
If I were to make the effort to improve it, I might begin by trying to re-frame it in third person instead of first person. That would have the effect of diminishing some of the melodrama by putting the events at one remove. I’ll see what I can do with this.
Thanks for pointing me in a promising direction.
Glenn
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