[James Brancheau]

Hey John, I really, really like this, but I think a couple of moments aren’t quite set up enough, or don’t quite land, imo. Although I still love the gist of them.

I just don’t have enough background info on “souls no one/believed were there.” I like it, but it seems to come out of nowhere, which is sometimes a great thing, but here I’d like to know why these people don’t believe souls exist. It’s a perfectly rational view of course—but no one? And they are gathering to send them away? Maybe they just adhere to tradition, absent of any belief, which, again, is perfectly understandable, but it seems that you and your wife are outsiders (??), so how would you know? And, again, no one?? Would it help if you personalized that sentiment here? In any case, my feeling is that the poem just jumps too quickly to that. Or maybe I’m lost on what’s happening in the poem.

I love the turning around using a new house’s driveway. And that it didn’t fit the neighborhood and was “too fresh to say goodbye to.” Love it.

I also really like the close of the poem, but I’m tempted to make slight adjustments. Since they are waiting to hear a sermon, I’m thinking something like “that would be made faint.” And, like the souls part, I’m wondering if personalizing this would be the way to go with “our slight grief,” or some such. Plus, in my opinion, it might make the close even more interesting (among other things, it opens the possibility of being at a funeral and actually grieving about something else…perhaps…) But, once again, it could be that I’m just not understanding the poem. I do like it quite a bit.

Added:

"to send away souls no one
believed were there."

I didn't read the other comments before posting mine, and James got my head straight regarding the above. Yes, I think it works very well as a dry overstatement. I now like it very much. Fwiw.