Hello, Jan,
Nice work with a strong and visually striking villanelle. The technical framework is solid, and the imagery resonates with bleak intensity.
A few things to consider:
- In the first stanza, I wonder about “contorted bone.” Does contorted feel quite right thematically? A term like splintered, broken, or shattered might better match the visceral, battlefield imagery you’re building.
- In stanza two, the line “all the blood you squeeze from stone” is vivid, but the you feels a bit unanchored, especially since it’s not echoed elsewhere. Perhaps a more neutral phrasing like “all the blood that oozes from stone” or “all the blood drawn from stone” might preserve the metaphor while avoiding ambiguity.
- In stanza three, “The foul now redolents the air” is grammatically off. Redolent is typically an adjective, not a verb. Maybe something like “The foulness now pervades the air” or “The stench now settles in the air”?
- From a sequencing perspective, it might be worth considering switching stanzas two and three. The appearance of “our children” seems more impactful after we’ve been immersed in the horror of the setting.
- Lastly, I’d recommend more consistency in the repetends. A little variation can be powerful, but too much can weaken the hypnotic rhythm that makes the villanelle form so effective.
This is already a powerful piece—bleak, resonant, and timely. I hope something here is helpful as you continue refining it.
Cheers,
…Alex