Thanks, Susan. I've zapped the "and." It was an unstressed syllable sandwiched between two others, which I knew would feel off, but I think using substitutions like Kipling's would be more effective.
Overall, I struggled to wreck the meter without wrecking it too much. Since my version is so much longer than Kipling's (40 lines to his 28), I thought it might be tiresome to ask the reader to fumble for the downbeat as often as he does.
I've tweaked the seismograph line (S3L1) again, though I'm still not sure it really works in the context, being a geological tech metaphor in an oceanographic poem.
Last edited by Julie Steiner; 03-29-2025 at 12:28 PM.
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