Hello, Glenn,
Like Julie, I started reading this with some hesitation—expecting it might lean into the familiar sermonizing that often dogs political poems. But to your credit, you sidestepped that trap and instead delivered a compelling voice with a fresh angle and strong narrative drive. It’s both engaging and thought-provoking.
That said, I did stumble a bit at the “shit” and “piss me off” lines in stanza two. They feel jarringly casual or crass within a poem that otherwise uses more considered, layered language. It’s not so much the profanity itself as that it doesn’t feel earned—especially “Tyrants don’t dare to try that shit with me,” which seems to run counter to historical patterns, where tyrants consistently do attempt to subvert and manipulate democratic systems.
You might get more power from heightening the irony or emotional impact through sharper metaphor or image rather than leaning on easy vulgarity. Just a thought as you revise.
Still, there’s a lot to admire here—especially the personification of Democracy and the tension between spectacle and helplessness in the closing stanzas. Wishing you the best with this as you refine further!
Cheers,
…Alex
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